Lindsay Lohan Sues E-Trade for Baby Doppelganger
On February 7th, 2010 the Lohan family was gathered around the tube for an eventful Superbowl Sunday, domestic disputes, and drug use. Dina Lohan had made a hellacious tray of hour d’vours as usual while Mike, as usual, pestered Lindsay about drugs and sex. After having heard enough psycho-babble from her Dad, Linds went to the bathroom and came back in right as E-Trade’s notorious cute-talking-baby Superbowl commercial came on.
Cute talking baby, check. E-Trade investment information, check. Milk-a-holic cohort baby named Lindsay, che–wait, what? Lindsay’s heart sank, she collapsed in the living room. Her Blackberry detonated in her purse, quickly overflowing with messages from her lawyer Stephanie Ovadia confirming that that the baby was in fact, a depiction of Lindsay herself, a milk-a-holic. It had to be.
“They used the name Lindsay,” Ovadia said. “They’re using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn’t they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody’s talking about it and saying it’s Lindsay Lohan. Ovadia also affirmed the actress has the same single-name recognition as Oprah or Madonna.
However, after a little dumpster diving on the Internet we’ve learned that less than 200 people per year are named Madonna. In fact, 1 in 12,500 people in America are named Madonna and 1 in 2,400 people are named Lindsay. So statistically speaking, all the other coke-head Lindsay’s can snort a line of relief as America’s favorite ginger teen-starlet of yesteryear takes the heat on this one.
Alright, so maybe the family room game watching scenario was a little contrived, but nonetheless, it could have happened! Because this isn’t a joke. All of the aforementioned quotes from Ovedia, Lohan’s lawyer, are in fact true. Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade for $100 million in damages. $50 million in exemplary damages, and $50 million in compensatory. Lohan’s crackpot lawyer claims E-Trade did not seek Lindsay’s approval for the usage and characterization, and in doing so should be punished. To the tune of $100 million.
Silly yes. Absolutely fucking ridiculous, certainly. Shocking, well, not really. Given the fact that Lohan’s career is circling the drain as we know it, what better way to stir up some press then suing over someone using the name Lindsay in a negative light? E-Trade hasn’t announced an official response yet, rightfully so, they’ve probably all taken a day off to celebrate some easy P.R. and high-five the marketing rep for having chose Lindsay as the name for the milk-a-holic.
Contact Kenneth, the author of this post, at k@theurbanian.com or @kennygw on Twitter.
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